why i am considered deviant...

Part One of Two...

Ever since I was a small child, I've always known that I was a little different from others in society. I was always well adjusted and could fit myself into the social circles around me, but there was always something a little deeper; a little odd. I felt a tad grandiose as a child to be honest. Like I could sense and feel others around me in a way that they could not. I felt not entirely human, but like a mirror to others. It took me until 2007 to truly begin to understand all that I am and was. I am a schizophrenic.

Life to me is not all that different from other people. I have senses of feelings. I can interpret symbols and have rather normal relationships. The major difference with me is inside of my head.


I hallucinate nearly daily. Some of these hallucinations are audio; some are visual. I hear others talking around and about me almost constantly. I have a hard time differentiating between what is being played in my mind and outside forces. The visual hallucinations I have can vary. Sometimes they are merely flashes of light; sometimes they are full figures. I cannot see their faces as they are blurred to me, but I can FEEL their emotions and hardships. I understand that these figures, feelings and voices are coming from within me, but I cannot fully comprehend it.

Because of what I am on the inside I have been labeled on the outside. I know that through this label I am separated from the rest of society; and it feels awful.

According to Strain Theory (1 pg. 25), I am a deviant because of "retreatism." How does this affect me? I cannot answer that. All I know is it is merely another label for me to wear around. The only hard thing about labels is that they are hard to shake.

Another way I am considered deviant is the fact that I am agnostic. As an agnostic, I cannot say for certain if there is or isn't a deity that watches over us. I feel that it would be impossible to truly know unless I was given a sign of some sort. But then again, that "sign" could be misconstrued as another symptom of my schizophrenia. So I would be right back where I started.

The majority of people in America today adhere to some sort of religion based belief structure. I understand that everyone has different views, but religion has never worked for me. I honestly can't tell the difference between fairy tales and the stories contained within the Christian Bible. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

Because of this, my moral values and beliefs are typically dismissed. Even though I have MY morals and MY beliefs and I don't subject others to them, I have been given the nickname "Satan." This is a way that others perceive me. And through labeling I am relegated to a "demonic" sub species of the human race. The good in me does not matter, because I cannot fathom a god who would damn that which he created. I know it is not a direct correlation, but I sometimes feel like the author of "My Gay Lifestyle." (2)

WC: 548
Works Cited

1. Strain Theory: Merton, Robert K., Ch. 3 of Readings in Deviant Behavior by Calhoun, Thomas C., Conyers, Addrain, and Thio, Alex. 2010. Pearson Education, Inc., Boston, MA.

2. Scudera, Domenick. "My Gay Lifestyle." ANGEL Learning. Huffpost, 1 Nov. 2011. Web. 22 Jan. 2012. <https://lms.wsu.edu/section/content/default.asp?WCI=pgDisplay>.